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A CoD Soldier’s Complaint to the Player


CoDComplaint Front

Dear Player,

Hi there, we haven’t been formally introduced. I’m the guy you play your games through. For some reason, there are a lot of things you don’t take into account when you play Call of Duty. We’ve had some good games and some bad games, mostly bad ones for your “Warm Up Rounds,” and great ones right before the room crashes, so I’ll try to keep my complaints emotionally neutral, hard as that may be.

Stinger

SO…DAMN…HEAVY…

First, we need to talk about your loadouts. I know you have ten points, and it’s important to bring the best gear. I agree with the philosophy, but not with your choices. Do you have any idea how heavy a FIM-92 Stinger is? More than thirty pounds for just the launcher! And then you throw an LSAT on too? Are you trying to give lagging players a chance to kill someone? You must be, because then you add two trophy systems to an already cumbersome kit! And no, Lightweight and Extreme Conditioning don’t make it better, it just means I have to work that much harder to outrun the PRONE enemies! And don’t even get me started on that time you added Dexterity to the pack…

Bullets Hurt

Why are we usually on the other end of this?

On a related note, you know bullets hurt, right? Sure, you probably haven’t been shot before, but as someone who has (very often, considering you’re holding the controller) I can tell you that dying sucks. I mean, come on. That red stuff on your screen when you run me into the middle of a grenade-lobbing contest is BLOOD. Not strawberry milkshake, not melted gumdrops, but blood. My blood. It isn’t fun for the guy in the beginning of James Bond films and it isn’t fun for me

Hijacked

Not the cruise I was hoping for… again

Next, please stop voting for the same maps over and over and over again. We all like cruise ships, but Hijacked is not a good one. At least not for me. I want to enjoy sunbathing, world-class dining and pool time when I’m on a private boat, not blowing up mercenaries. I already do that at my job. I joined the military to see far away places, not the Hollywood Hills in Raid. Bottom line, send me to Yemen if I’m going to stop our enemies and let Hollywood destroy itself.

Camping

This isn’t skill. This is cheap.

Also, I know you like being at the top of the room. I also enjoy basking in the greatness of having a higher score than everyone else. Unfortunately, sitting in a corner, prone, and shooting anyone that comes into a small room somewhat cheapens the glory. It’s fine if someone is chasing you, or half your team just left and you’re waiting for new players, but immediately when you start playing is not going to help you get better, it’s going to start a steady torrent of obscenities. Not that we weren’t going to hear that anyway, but my ego prefers it not be our fault.

Banned

Keep talking like that. You’ll get this message.

Finally, I have a suggestion for that headset of yours: burn it. Trash talking may be fun once in a while, but not everyone who kills you is a hacker, gay isn’t an insult, and hate speech is for the ignorant. Use your wits and intelligently insult your enemies. If you don’t have wits, use sarcasm. If all you’ve got is profanity and immaturity, you’re better off unpluging your mic. It all comes out of my mouth and links to your username. Be better than that. (The More You Know: Ba dah, da dum!)

I hope some of this got through. If not, I’ll catch you later for more camping, dying and online bans!

Love, but not really, because that’s not manly for this soldier,

Your FPS Avatar!

Did our soldier leave anything out of his complaints? Let us know in the comments section!

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About RedGuinness

Andrew Shortall (RedGuinness) is the Writer, Editor, Administrator and founder of Stay-At-Home Gaming. He also suffers from sleepless nights, summer new release withdrawals and trying to behave himself in front of his new nephew.

3 comments on “A CoD Soldier’s Complaint to the Player

  1. Pingback: I Like My Awards Sunny Side Up, Please! | Video Games Nebula

  2. Astro Adam
    May 29, 2013

    This is a very clever and creative post. Congrats! I just nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award. http://wp.me/p2FQoz-f1

    • RedGuinness
      May 30, 2013

      Wow! I appreciate it! I’ll be putting up a post by tomorrow!

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This entry was posted on March 14, 2013 by in Comedy, Gaming Fun and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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