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A Civilization Advisor’s Complaint to the Emperor

Civ Complaint Front

To our most Gracious and Exalted Emperor,

Your humble advisor is pleased you have sought his counsel. Your rule has been distinguished and long. Very long. In fact, I’m pretty sure you must have found the Fountain of Youth and not told anybody, because it’s the year 1200, you’ve been our ruler since 4000 B.C. and you haven’t aged a day. No matter, as even time has not dared oppose your rule. Needless to say, in your great wisdom,  have always kept a counsel of advisors, and as their representative I shall bring to you their… concerns, shall we say?

Science Advisor

Engineering would have been great, but only Democracy gave us a better unit

Your Science Advisor was the foremost to speak with me and I will bring his concerns to you first. He is most appreciative of his post, but he feels he is being underutilized. He does years and years of research to bring you the very best recommendations for bringing our society forward and making us the best we can be. However, he feels that you have an… unsettling inclination toward military tech. He has given speeches and insights for peaceful techs like Ceremonial Burial and Irrigation that could fill tomes, but knows that as long as a Catapult or a Pikeman are the results of research, you’ll probably go with that, so he takes it as a victory everytime a non-military application comes of his research.

On a related note, your Military Advisor recommends the immediate execution of the Science Advisor.

Military Aggression

I believe some of the Advisors wish for…less war?

Your Cultural Advisor has similar but, in her words, more pressing concerns as well. She feels our culture is uncivilized and weak…


Cultural Advisor

According to the Military Advisors, the bears are assassins and the Cultural Advisor let them in…

As I was saying, she thinks our Culture… could be better. She mentions the lack of Great Wonders built by us, and notes the rest of the world will probably leave us nothing to eventually build ourselves. She has also noted her…lack of understanding…in your not building Temples, which like Great Wonders, boost the culture of our society. A depression began in her a few decades ago when the sixth city in our history was Culturally Converted to the English and after destroying all the City Improvements in your retaking of it, and consequently the English Civilization shortly after, she sunk deeper into it when all that was rebuilt among the broken city was a Barracks and alternating Knights and Pikemen. I will send her a copy of the riveting and genius military doctrine of Reaquisition written by our Great Emperor when I return. She also believes it…unadvisable…to continue running the country as a Despotism. She notes the benefits of a Democracy’s extra science and gold income, but when I informed her that war would be at the will of the people, those Your Greatness has described as “Pacifist, ignorant would-be slaves and morons,” she scoffed and flipped a table at the sound of it.

Also, our Military Advisor recommends the immediate torture and execution of the Cultural Advisor.

Barbarian Gold

Gold and a threat eliminated in one fell swoop, right?

Your Economic Advisor has a much more optimistic outlook. She believes…I mean, knows, Knows!…your militaristic outlook has served us well. Our numerous soldiers protect our cities and help us maintain our coffers, while the bulk of the army fills them with the conquests of Barbarian and Major Civilizations alike. While she sees the vaults filling a little more with every battle, she offers a better way to build on your military strength. She suggests changing the focus of some of your cities from Science to Gold. With the addition of a Market in those cities, the Gold piles will become Gold mountains in a short time. She humbly informs you that the Gold can then be used to produce other City Improvements with minimal delay in soldier production, or just produce those soldiers faster if Your Grace prefers.

At first glance, your Military Advisor thought highly of this plan, but shortly before I departed, he reconsidered when he thought of the initial delay in troop production and, suspecting she sought to fool Your Greatness with such a plan, has asked that the Economic Advisor be charged with High Treason, maimed, tortured, immediately executed and name erased from the history books.

Military Surety

Your Military Advisor didn’t realize Walls come from non-military tech…

Your Military Advisor thinks Your Highness has a Divine Mandate to the Throne, believes every plan you make is glorious and is honored with the Grace given to him by his Great Master. Even now he collects generous donations from his many, many troops to throw a banquet in your honor when he returns to the Capital City after his conquest of your Russian enemies. However, I would be amiss in not reporting the concerns of the other three of Your Worship’s Advisors that the Military Advisor is simply sucking up, as it were, to Your Goodness, probably a spy for the Russians, and is planning to stage a coup upon his return. All three have recommended his immediate recall and execution.

When I was originally given the honor of this position, I was given the full history of our great empire as written by all of my predecessors. If my sense of history doesn’t fail me, it seems that history has again repeated itself, and Your Greatness has found the Advisors untrustworthy. I assume they will all be put to death soon, and I along with them just for being the bearer of their words. I will write my recommendations to my successor in hopes that he will not make the same mistakes I and all before me seem to have fallen into.


(Editor’s note: This article marks the 50th one on the Stay-At-Home Gamer! Thank you for reading our articles and we hope you’ll bring some friends to enjoy our 100th!)

How have you enjoyed the last fifty articles on our site? Have any ideas to make them better, or an idea for an article? Let us know in the comment section below!

About RedGuinness

Andrew Shortall (RedGuinness) is the Writer, Editor, Administrator and founder of Stay-At-Home Gaming. He also suffers from sleepless nights, summer new release withdrawals and trying to behave himself in front of his new nephew.

7 comments on “A Civilization Advisor’s Complaint to the Emperor

  1. Stephen Wolling
    May 7, 2013

    Congratulations on making it to 50 articles. Always a pleasure to read. Look forward to being here for the 100th article

    • RedGuinness
      May 7, 2013

      Appreciate it man. We’ll be here as long as people are reading!

  2. Hari Mani
    May 7, 2013

    Something tells me that is advisor of advisors sehow ended up executed himself !! I love it. All hail the stay at home gamer. To 50 more and well past that !!

  3. Job Duanan
    May 9, 2013

    Fifty is nifty, RedGuinness! And you’re just one guy, too. Some extreme priority juggling is most likely at work here.

    • RedGuinness
      May 10, 2013

      Lmao yeah, my lunch breaks don’t include food anymore and sleep has become a luxury, but I have great support from friends, family and fellow bloggers that continue to make the whole thing worth it! I really appreciate it, man. Cheers!

  4. Pingback: Civilization Revolution Review | Stay-At-Home Gaming

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This entry was posted on May 7, 2013 by in Comedy, Gaming Fun and tagged , , , , , , , .

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