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A Football Player’s Complaint to His Madden Manager


Front

Hey, sorry to ask you for this meeting, but the Union is pretty random about these things, and sometimes I get the feeling I’m the only one who feels something is off. But there are a few things that I feel keep me from giving a-hundred-and-ten percent and earn my paycheck with your wonderful organization, which I’m proud to play in.

Surrounded

The end results of your usual QB Sneak.

I know you could have bought any team in the NFL, and you picked us, so I’m humbled, and I think you do very well on the management side: we’re paid on time, there are few contracts that get done before the season starts and we thank you. But I am a bit concerned with the way you micromanage. You hired a respectable, popular coach who is beloved by the team. Problem is, while we go through a huge variety of his great plays in practice, when it comes to the game, you take over for him, calling every play, when it’s game time. And there’s nowhere near the variety! It’s always a Bomb, a QB Sneak and…that’s it. Just those two plays and the occasional field goal or punt when the situation calls for it! In case you didn’t know, there are other plays, including variations of Bombs and QB Sneaks! If we keep using just these two plays, how the hell would the competition NOT see it coming???

Sorry. That was rude.

BadTackle

Seriously, this is the closest one of your tackles gets.

I also take issue with your direct control of players. Honestly, it’s a little creepy. Maybe you have control implants surgically placed in our brains or have a speaker in the helmets I don’t know about, but it’s killing us in games. At least I know it isn’t direct mind control, otherwise our defense lineup wouldn’t be trying to tackle guys so far away it would only look close in an angled television view. Let us do what we trained for and run the plays! Also, we get that sometimes boosting player stats make them a little more valuable for trade, but when we lose, we all look bad. In short, there are more Receivers on the team, and there are so many interceptions until it starts to get irritating.

Injuries

Your whole team if you keep playing six games a week…

Additionally, there is a huge problem with the number of games we play in a season. We get that you picked us for how our team looks on paper, but not matter how high our “Endurance Rating” is, the number of exhibition games we end up playing in a year is too high. Maybe you like watching a game at 11:30pm on a Wednesday night, and I’m pretty sure more than four games in a day is a violation of some League bylaw, so please keep us in mind the next time you want a marathon of games. But I am impressed/suspicious as to how you can assemble the other teams on such short notice.

RGIII

His stats are great. We don’t want him.

While we’re on the topic, there is such a thing as team loyalty. Some of us have been on the team for a while, turning down more lucrative contracts in favor of staying with the family they’ve made here in this fantastic city. But word around the locker room is that you’re planning on trading of our defensive line (good, hardworking players who are consistent, with families to feed, mind you) for RGIII, or one of the Manning brothers. We would see this as an insult as, although we respect these players, would not be good for the teams morale. We get that you want this to be a Fantasy Team, but it takes time for us to get used to a new quarterback and we won’t be around long with that kind of confusion mid-season. Seriously, if your trade any number of us for one of them, we will put him in a locker and keep filling it with shaving cream until it pours onto the floor.

I’d really appreciate it if you took these concerns seriously. The team will do so much better and will be worth so much more to you. You’d also save me from having to take a better paying, but much more hazardous, contract over in the Blitz league. Insurance in the NFL is already expensive enough…

Blitz

You asked for more of these articles and you got it! This one was mostly inspired by the start of football season, but we’d love to know what you’d like to see next. Let us know in the Comment section below!

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About RedGuinness

Andrew Shortall (RedGuinness) is the Writer, Editor, Administrator and founder of Stay-At-Home Gaming. He also suffers from sleepless nights, summer new release withdrawals and trying to behave himself in front of his new nephew.

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This entry was posted on September 10, 2013 by in Comedy, Gaming Fun and tagged , , , , , , , .

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