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A Convenience Store Worker’s Complaint to Los Santos


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Warning! Contains some early game spoilers from GTA V. Complete up to the first heist before enjoying this!

To any and all politicians running in next year’s election for Governor,

It seems I can’t move anywhere without the local criminal element finding me. I moved here to Los Santos from Liberty City four years ago after reevaluating my life, and things have somehow been worse here. If anyone promises to address the problems I will be listing here, I will support your campaign with my harrowing story for a low, nominal fee (plus a little on top if you are elected). Let’s get started.

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They MUST be more restricted!

First, we need to consider putting more restrictions on Ammu-Nation. I’m a red-blooded Republican, but this company has gone too far. There’s no 72-hour waiting period at any of the more than ten locations in the city limits alone. Unsafe. Most of the guns are customizable to a point that military spec ops would find excessive, and even allow for LSPD color schemes to be purchased in store. Why do they get away with that? And why the hell are they licensed to sell a Minigun? Yes, it’s unavailable to most customers and yes, is prohibitively expensive, but it’s on the display wall, so someone’s demand is keeping it in stock…

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Why do the alarms not respond to things like this???

But guns aren’t the only problem here. It was bad enough that there were so many criminals in Liberty City, but this town must be training them. I was in a Vangelico in Rockford Hills, trying to purchase an engagement ring when the vents started to spew out chemicals that almost killed me. When I awoke less than ten minutes later, the store had been cleared out, displays smashed and my wallet missing. This was a classy store with an advanced security system! Why did it take so long for the police to respond?

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Overpaid and under-worked. Just like Liberty City.

Speaking of police, why are these folks still employed? I mean, I get why police are needed, but these officers need to go back to basic. I downloaded an app on my iFruit phone and not only can I track how far away they are, I can see which way their cars are facing! These are not robots, they’re people. I don’t know how a programmer from Chamberlain Hills can find these things out, let alone why the app is still available on the iFruit store.

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An all-too-common sight in Los Santos.

I work at 24/7, a little convenience store, close to my home. This wasn’t the ideal career choice, but times are tough and college apparently “isn’t for me”. Stupid professors. I need to know my life and job are secure, but my store gets robbed so often my bosses are starting to think I’m in on it! Every few hours someone new comes to rob me, and the slow police response, along with the aforementioned iFruit app, seem to keep these criminals coming right back to my store for repeat offenses everyday. Can we not get an officer at the door once in a while? We sell fresh donuts made daily, aren’t cops still eating these things?

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The late and the great.

And what’s with quality control of product safety in this city? I plunged half my savings into Lifeinvader’s IPO and was finally making some money in my life and BOOM. Prototype phone blows Jay Norris’ head off. On national television. And I lost so much money I can’t pay off my loan shar officers what they’re owed.

 

While we’re on the topic of loan shar officers, something needs to be done about the the local ocean life. I was swimming in the bay and almost got my leg ripped off. If you think I, or most of the workforce in the state, have health insurance, you are sorely mistaken.

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Please take some time to consider my proposal. You could be one “Joe the Plumber” away from being the new governor.

Sincerely,
A patriotic citizen who might have your vote!

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About RedGuinness

Andrew Shortall (RedGuinness) is the Writer, Editor, Administrator and founder of Stay-At-Home Gaming. He also suffers from sleepless nights, summer new release withdrawals and trying to behave himself in front of his new nephew.

5 comments on “A Convenience Store Worker’s Complaint to Los Santos

  1. MissRhiosace
    September 24, 2013

    Awesome. The police in this have to be the stupidest. 4 star wanted level, jumps off freeway on to off road below, police cant find me even though some drive past me but dont look my way. They also seem to care a lot less about thieving cars. *Smashes car window on main road, alarm goes off, police dont care 9/10 times*. Its so easy to lose them by hiding. Cracks me up when you steal an airplane from the airport, they send cars after you on the ground who blatantly cant see you, then they lose interest as soon as you fly it over the most populated part of the city, and land it on a freeway. It would be cool if they sent the jets after you, seeing as they have jets, they send the attack heli if you steal out of the military base.
    The most fun Ive been having is on Franklins side missions, they’re freaking brilliant.

    • RedGuinness
      September 24, 2013

      It’s incredible that the police in this game lack the ability to look up…

      The side missions are remarkably well done. The “Grass Roots” missions for Barry are ridiculous surreal and I suggest people do Franklin’s version last for optimal hilarity.

      • MissRhiosace
        September 24, 2013

        haha yeah, I was wondering what Franklin was going to get and the outcome was hilarious.
        This game is all about the side missions. I love it. Have you finished the game yet? I’m on 70% I think, Ive spent a lot of time just being in the game and not rushing it. Logged over 30 hours now, its definitely going to beat Mass Effect 3 for hours logged in all missions, I spent 40 hours on Mass Effect 3 including all DLCs and possible side quest lines.

      • RedGuinness
        September 24, 2013

        I’m praying for DLC. The Lost and the Damned and The Ballad of Gay Tony were both standards of what good premium content should be. I imagine with over $1 Billion in worldwide sales we should be looking forward to it.

        Steven, always a pleasure to know you’re enjoying our stuff!

  2. Stephen Wolling
    September 24, 2013

    Pure gold. Extremely well done article

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This entry was posted on September 24, 2013 by in Comedy, Gaming Fun and tagged , , , , , , , , , .

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