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Ah, the holidays. A time that makes you remember why you don’t spend more moments with your family.
For the lucky of us, there’s only a few at the table to not get along with. For the truly cursed, Thanksgiving and beyond involves three or more generations under one roof. We’re supposed to get along with those related by blood, but instead we hope a missed turkey bone or sudden sickness will get us away without enough guilt to last you ’til New Year’s.
But take solace. A, you’re already one gathering down, and B, there are plenty of families worse off. Sure, crying babies, relatives wondering why you don’t make more money and that super huggy uncle are an irritation, but video game families might incite full-scale war when they gather round the table.
Count your blessings and enjoy your long-prep dinners. Here’s our Top Five Video Game Families That Will Make You Love Yours!
#5.) Dante and Vergil
(Devil May Cry)
Brothers are subject to some of the worst sibling rivalry there is. For an example of how bad it can get, look no further than Dante and Vergil. Named after allies from the Inferno, these two try to kill each other whenever they catch sight of the other. Even in the reboot, where we thought they’d be getting along for once, Vergil screws it all up by being all I’m-Gonna-Takeover-The-World-ey. No rest for the wicked. Plus, Dante would probably skip the ham and just order a pizza.
#4.) Samus and Baby Metroid
It’s so cute…wait, why is it eating guests?
You grandpa tells stories that suck people in that won’t let them leave. The Metroid baby from Metroid 2 and Super Metroid will LITERALLY suck you to death. I imagine Samus didn’t even invite her surrogate child to dinner, but there it is, killing every party guest Ms. Aran invited. Short list to be sure, but they aren’t making it to Super Beam flambé.
#3.) The Lone Wanderer and James
“Father of the Year” he is not.
James keeps you in a “safe” environment before abandoning you, and after a violent breakout, trekking through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and breaking him out of a Vault-funded mental prison, James has you defend an entire team of non-combatant scientists on a trip through a Super Mutant-infested Jefferson Memorial? This guy is obviously out of touch with the horrors he “tried to protect you” from. If the Lone Wanderer didn’t poison his turkey, I hope there’s a Thanksgiving DLC that let’s you do it soon.
#2.) Booker, Elizabeth and Comstock
He would make a good Santa Claus, though…
To shorthand this one, Booker gave up his only daughter from his dearly beloved (and deceased) wife, to repay a massive gambling debt, to an alternate timeline version of himself who can’t have kids, then tries to back out of said deal, only to be sent on a quest that ultimately ends with him killing his mirror duplicate and discovering his recently rediscovered daughter was the cause of the whole thing? Plus, she’s probably still pissed about the finger.
Yeah, if Comstock from another universe hears about this, it’s gonna be an uncomfortable table. Plus, this is one occasion where two dads are DEFINITELY not better than one: only one can cut the turkey…
#1.) Snake/Liquid/Solidus/Big Boss/
Revolver Ocelot/Big Mama, etc.
(Metal Gear Series)
This family needs a hug.
The Metal Gear series has one of the largest casts of characters in Gaming. And somehow every character is less than Six Degrees apart from each other. Can you imagine how gigantic the table would have to be? Big Boss and Big Mama invite their two sons, who invite their
friends units, who hate each other, Raiden and Rose get invited out of sympathy and everyone gets ticked, Johnny has bowel issues and Meryl yells at Campbell.
THEN the Genome Army catches wind of it, joins forces with Zanzibar Land, Dead Cell and Ocelot, who wants be included over that whole arm thing, who throws in his PMCs, and the party is that much more awkward a firefight. Oh, did we mention just about every character has attempted to kill every OTHER character at some point or another? That’s a lot of grudges under one roof.
Did we miss any notoriously dysfunctional families that should have been on this list? Comment below so we don’t make the same mistake next year!