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The Lighter Side of The Sword Coast: The Misadventures of Kalvanis Mantalir Volume XIII


“So sayeth the wise Alaundo…”

Entry Thirty One

Ah, to know the bliss of true success in one’s goals. Over the past few days we have continued to aid Scar in his efforts to aid the city, and the lot of it’s peoples. Just this morning we slew a great Ogre Mage, without losing a single companion, (Hah! Take that scary woodsman outside of the Friendly Arm) In so doing we have stopped a string of disappearances, okay sure we found everyone missing to be dead…but that’s hardly our fault! And now we are called back to the the Flaming Fist’s headquarters to meet Duke Eltan himself! No doubt he wishes to shower me with praise and possibly title.

Lord Mantalir, now that has a nice ring to it.

Oh please.

Hush peasant, I have no time to deal with you’re petty problems.

Eat goblin *scribbled out word*

Well I never! There will be no such talk in this journal Missy!


“Payment?! You nearly collapsed the sewers!” -Duke Eltan

Entry Thirty Two

Alas I have not been crowned, nor given title, nor even given much praise. All in all meeting with the duke was rather disappointing. Yet we must trudge on, and he has deemed us fit to investigate the Iron Throne for him personally, so things are looking up in that regard I suppose.

The Iron Throne Merchant company is located on the docks, just like i knew they would be (everyone knows that the villains either live in large towers if they are wizards, or reside in the docks, it’s simple adventuring math). So once we have sufficiently prepared ourselves for the task we shall venture forth too bring this awful organization (which has been trying to kill me for some time) down! It will be a glorious day, onward to victory!

Adventuring math huh? How’d you figure it out then?

I’ll have you know I am quite good with numbers! One has to be when they are the leader of a group such as this, none of you budget yourselves well you know!

Says the guy who bought gold colored pants from a fop in a purple hat.

Those pants are quite fashionable, and I got them at a steal! We only had to pawn off those two emeralds I innocently forgot to return to that man in Nashkell.

Alright fine, but what about those cursed gloves that made Minsc as clumsy as you until we had to pay that wizard to remove them?

Anyone could have made that mistake! That merchant was a swindler of the highest (and lowest) caliber!


Oh what a cute rabbit, how’d he get here? Wait…did I summon it?” -Neera

Entry Thirty Three

 What a battle! The most thrilling yet, I’ve no doubt they’ll be speaking of it for years to come. AS you have probably guessed, our investigation into the Iron Throne did not end in a peaceful conclusion. It was grueling to say the least, out mettle was tested like never before but in the end we were victorious once more! Minsc, our most brave and noble ranger truly outdid himself this time, I have not seen a fury to match his in all my years! And his witch Dynheir, her sorcery has reached new heights, and played a fine roll indeed. And Neera, wild. beautiful Neera we could not have won the day without her. Those twin fireballs she pulled off some how were perfectly placed, and came at a critical time. And hen of course there was me, oh how I danced amidst the battle, dashing from foe to foe, cutting down our enemies, it truly was a work of art.

Dashing from foe to foe? Don’t you mean running about like a chicken without a head while Minsc battled them nearly single handedly? And no mention of my arrows I see! Hmmph. And what do you mean “perfectly placed”? That pointy eared menace nearly blew me up while I snuck around the back!

Fine. Your right. It was only nearly perfect, maybe a few more feet to the rear.

…You watch it mister.

Oh yes, very intimidating hah!

Maybe I’ll tell Neera about that bathhouse incident back in Candlekeep, she may be a menace but she does have a good sense of humor.

You win this round fiend!

Author’s note: We’re coming up on the end of the first installment of the Baldur’s Gate series, as this was supposed to originally be a bit more interactive, what would you like to see next? More of Kalvanis’ blunders as he trods through The Shadows of Amn? Or a more serious, serialized dramatic telling of a group of intrepid adventurers battling their way through Icewind Dale? Or, shut up stop writing I hate you? Those and any other suggestions are welcome, just post them below! P.S. I will be trying to maintain a once a week posting pace. Hah. Deadlines, like I ever meet them. – FailedWell


About failedwell

Is a semi disgruntled vet who...GET OFF MY LAWN YOU INGRATES!

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